Silly Love Archives

Today my heart breaks a little again but not as much as I was hurt before. "I have never trusted you." "I can never reveal myself to you" That's what he said. What i left as of today is my 2 girls. My heart feels like it's dying so much. I have no one left to talk to or I don't feel like talking it out anymore. I don't know what should I do next. I wish a bad accident will land on me sometime fast. Like a car crash or a tree branch fell and stabbed on me instantly and let me die instantly. How selfish of me to think this way.....

I feel that we are living in world making up of pretentious people. I am tired of being the good person giving in to his grandmother. I am frustrated, angry and upset. If someone asked me if I feel guilty talking to her in such manner. My answer would be no. Today, as usual, Leia is crying for me while I'm holding Ariel. GrandM: I can follow Ariel, u go and handle Leia. Me: it's okay. Let Leia cry. She alrdy got her milk and YouTube in her hand. What's more she needs. GrandM: consoling Leia and walking over, wanting to hold Ariel for me. Me: it's okay. Even if u follow Ariel, you can't hold her if she falls. My sis in law instantly looked at me. I always got this feeling that everyone thought that my life is good and easy because their life is simple and easy with parent serving them like king and queen. Grandmother pretending to be noble when she knows she can't hold Ariel when she falls. Seriously, I do not need anyone to follow Ariel. I need someone t...

Tonight I have a sudden craving for Korean Maggie noodles but I'm lazy to cook after a Long day. It reminds me of how my husband who used to be my boyfriend will help me cook a bowl of noodles with egg or even go to extend to tapow supper for me (When I was pregnant). It saddens me a little to think of how things between us used to be. Relaxing, carefree, no commitment, no responsibilities for almost everything, Netflix every night, cheating mc, supper, movies marathon and so much more... I tried to be positive by not thinking so far but sometimes it's just so difficult not to think this way. I don't think anyone or even my husband will understand or even thought of I actually changed alot. Sometimes, I don't think he has ever appreciated what I did as he thinks I am supposed to be doing all these works. This conversation is with Leia before sleep.. M: I love you so much Leia. L: I love you so much mummy. M: why do you love mummy? (I'm trying to ask if she u...

I don't know why nowadays. I feel like my legs are feeling wobbly like something bad is going to happen. Anyway I having a good time resting at home now

Today I'm just wondering if louis grandmother and mother talk about me. I would rather they tell me in face if they're unhappy or not please about anything but I guess they won't. I'm not picking a quarrel here but u know I just want to talk things out.

I am tired of being angry and disrespectful. I understand that grandparents or grand grandparents love and dote their grandchildren or grand grandchildren. Loving them and spoiling them is 2 different things. "1. Do you think I would torture and beat my children to vent my anger or frustration? 2. Or hit them till their flesh spilt?" I wanted to hit Leia with a cane today as she kicked my face twice on 2 different occasion within a day, pinched me and shouted at me. The reason for me to hit her. 1. Is to discipline her 2. Teach her from wrong to right 3. Letting her know every choices she made comes with a consequence. 4. Let her remember that this can't be repooeat again and not repeating the same mistake. The first time when she hit and screamed at me,  I didn't want to hit her with the canej but I let her to cry by herself to let know that crying doesn't solve anything or gain her any attention/sympathy she wants. Louis grandmother go to her tell her...

I had a few dreams that my life has came to an end. In those dreams, I am full of regrets and I hope someone will come to this space to hear what I wanted to say. I was happy about last night that L brought me to a lovely dinner and a good movie. I am pleased and I asked myself during the car ride if I wanted to end my life or I wanted to watch Leia and Ariel growing up, making sure that they are married to the right man and hold their babies in my arm.

Tomorrow will be my 29th birthday. I was looking forward to my birthday celebration until today (the last 2 days of my actual birthday) . I was thinking if L is excited to celebrate my birthday with me or is it just a need to do as I will not be happy if he didnt prepare anything for me. This makes me questioned myself if it holds more meanings to celebrate with my friends or my husband. At least my friends will be happy to celebrate with me. I am upset. I'm not too sure if this is depression. I thought of ways to end my life as sometimes I just can't think straight anymore. I don't talk to anyone about my problem and I don't know who to talk when the person I want to talk doesn't seem like he is keen to listen to my depressing thoughts. I set this blog to talk to myself and let my emotions flow. Last night, I was angry, frustrated and upset. There is nowhere for me to vent out my anger. I am angry that louis grandmother opened all the rooms door and allowed m...